THE GIRL YOU MAY SEE, MAY NOT BE THE GIRL THAT'S ACTUALLY THERE...: January 2008

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Emotional

I love you...
I know you're surprised
But the words were stuck in my heart
They ran through my veins, entered my head, shot out my skin and landed on my thumbs as I typed away on my crackberry
I just want you to know there's so much truth to them
Maybe not the psycho truth you may think
But some real hard-core hard-loving truth
You were a story of mine
So of course you're still in my mind
Well enjoy your night
I'm emotional, right???

I miss you much

A teacher; A leader; A mentor; A friend; A Mom for sure
My Mom
Mom you remind me of sweet-smelling summer blossoming tulips
As I cruise down Park Avenue
The array of flowers speak to me
They scream out your name
I get vibes of your spirit
Almost like getting a chill on a 90 degree day
I sense you...
I feel your presence
I miss you
I miss you much
In the words of Janet Jackson
Our distance withholds a connection
However, it often rains pain
I need you here sometimes
I need you here often
I want to tear up on your shoulder tops
And let it all out
What would I do without you has suddenly began to flash before my eyes
Of late
Why...
Is it that I miss you so much
It hurts @ times when we chat
I require your face
I need to feel your warmth, wholehearted, obsessed with your own, feel...
Your motherly energy
If you will
I speak from the hearts of your 3 born
I apologize for the sisterhood that pierce your heart and soul
I'm trying to work on that
Our blood connection should never be hindered by anything
We are apart of one another
As we are the heart of you
My solution was to take a step back and allow My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to do his work
The day will come
When you can smile again despite all the hurt we have put you through
I love you Mom
I love you
I miss you
I miss you much
In the words of Janet Jackson

Birthday Girl

I smell your tears
I hear your cries
Even though I'm days away
People still join our lives
Some touch gently
Some hurt hard
No matter the feeling
To feel is all that plays the part
I want you to cheer
I want you to smile
Even it takes sending a child like circus clown
Better days crowd into 1 big wish
And we all know how much you yearn for that so... needed birthday kiss
But the man upstairs screams out loud
He's the one we all need around
Even though sand didn't decorate our toes
Or dancing on the bar spilling drinks on our clothes
Hasn't occured this time
And it feels like your heart continues to commit the same ol' crime
Love is still around
and glitz is not always needed
Friendship can be the word repeated
As long as I got my sainty
We're good to go
Because better days will come
And believe me Babe I'm the one to know
Love you girl
Let me toast for you
Since down is your mood
Believe me birthday girl you're well understood
Take your time
You're get right back
I was always told women of color don't crack
We're here for you
Whether military time is your clock
Or whether the bed right now is your spot
But smile anyway
You made it another year
And there's reasoning behind
Even if right now is hard to bare
I'm reciting these words because my Lord asked me to give
And to explain how one of the purposes of our lives
Is just to live

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'm so pretty

Save the sun for the shades
Grab the specs in the rain
A girlie's lay for every occasion
I scream out
I'm so... Pretty
As I strut through the big world
With a vintage fendi baguette in hand
Pretty Pretty me
Diane Von muti- colored butterfly Yellow sparkling on my butter soft, perscriptive colored, antelope skin
I swirl as I cross the congested traffic walk
I hear the Boi's whispering Gorgeous; Beauty; Sexy;(just to name a few) B*R*I*X*S Babe get over here
Questions bouncing threw crowds
Isn't that one of those Power Rangette's???
Damn...
Damn...
She's hot
Shit, shortie is bad...
Bad is right!
But shit I'm taken
By me, that is
I'm so... all over self
Boo Boo get off me
Do you see the heels on these sick ass Christian Louboutin bust a cherry red pumps
Can you handle a every 10 second dip
When the old classic Bel Biv Devoe hit Posion is ringing through those Wednesday Night Lotus speakers
I'm so... Pretty
I rolled my hair a 2nd time just to get this perfect curl
Dude you see me
Shit I see me
I'm so... Pretty
Geez...
Giggles as I catch a gaze @ my Mac professionally done up chinky's while reapplying my Mac Oh Baby lip gloss in my custom made saworski crystal pocket mirror
Omg you should see me
I so... shock myself sometimes
Little me
Sigh;
I blush away @ the thought of this God given beauty
I'm so....... Pretty
Yes indeed a girlie is on self
Waking up drinking a gallon of joy every morning from now on
This body will be heard
Watch me now
Low self esteem my ass
I'm so.... Pretty

Life in me

Awaiting my monthly
Feeling weird down there
Unsure of the actual evidence @ this point
My friend not arriving as yet
Contantly checking 4 the sight of red
But this would B a gift
My 6th life spurt and beginning w/ a new life could only b a blessing
However, i've said, no 2 them 2wice thus far
God again, 4 give me, 4 I have sinned...
Tyla being extremely 2 much 4 any European Nanny 2 handle
Am I ready...
I guess I will have 2 b
Since life is in me
Literally this time
Or is it my nerves playing tricks on me
Whatever it is, I still feel such a connection 2 him
Even though, I mean as much 2 him as a fun pass metrocard
It's just good 4 the day
Use it while it last
Whatever this feeling is inside
God knows... and in a few short days
He'll whisper it in my ear
Pray 4 me...

Listen...

When I arise in my joyous state
I just deliever what's swirling thru my mind
You can call me the messenger
I don't plan what my manicured thumbs will tap away @ on the Berry
The words just appear as I stare @ the screen
My talent, not to toot my own horn
Can not be measured
So I put as much weight on self as I possibly can
I would like to write more during my happiest moments
But in the hours of troubles
My words scream...........
STILL I RISE
As long as my readers hear me speak to their hearts
I'm full
No one man will ever learn fully or even understand my stories
But I give you and eye opener @ least enough to sniff thru my worlds
There are Lilly's, Sunflowers, Red Robins, White Sanded Beaches, Clear Blue Skies even Cherry Trees there
Even though you may only visualize Sour Fruits, Bad Dreams and Stormy Weathers
Bare with me
Sooner or later I'll come around

Nightmare on age street

Pineapple scented
Vanilla breeze
I close my eyes and I just dream
The weight of the titanium blk heavy in my hands as I pass it to the cashier
I reply yes that's all maam
The sprees have kept my desires full
And my wants wanting without
I'm the fanciest thing of late that you can read about
Wink*
But who knew in two thousand ten
I still would long for that
Once in a life time soul cleansin'
A finanical soul feeding per say
You prolly could get it better if I explained it that way
Green can't buy everything I was once told
Recently winning my soul back from that devil for a fake pot of gold
After I bet him I could with-stand a full year without loving hard
He called off all his bloody body guards
I've passed that dream
It died the beginning of ohhhh eight
After my tour de italy
A quick vaca I've come to still appreciate
With a man that was yet still a boy
Pardon me for being so coy
I threw the jersey's away
I burned all the bballs
And my preferences has changed
He doesn't have to be that damn tall
I like a suit and tie now
A clean look
A confident stare
A nice back still
But bald or hair I don't care
Wait
Wait
Wake me up
What's happening to the weirdo I use to be
Shit... I'm thirdeee

Hit...

Simple plans
Small wishes
Two Dreams
This is my life
Asking for much, brings about high expectations
So I'm going to lessen my call
Dummy down if you will
My high hopes have grounded me into a simplistic state
I lay in my bed of sin
Pondering what's my next move
As love blows though my cracked window
My body heat rises more and more
I can't feel the breeze
Its not tangible for a heartache'r like little ol' me
My once butterfly filled tummy
Has become and empty cocoon
So simple I propose to myself
I'm going to have the tiniest wishes imaginable
Sleepy nights having the same repetitve dreams
This is how my Wow factor will reappear
Because my God knows I'm not going to ask for much
Playmates ring 2B
Lay your finger on the bell
The noise still dancing in my ears
God when are you going to provide my true Soulmate with my address
Is he still playing his lottery of #'s
Well hit already
Hit...

Ode to yoU

Eventhough we don't speak and only faith has the answer to whether we will ever see each other again:
I invite you to meet me in my dreams... I know, you're prolly in love again and occupied with tons of new things
But my eyes miss the sight of you But my ears miss the sound of you But my lips miss the kiss of you
But my nose miss the smell of you But my body miss the snug of you
And I miss the yoU in Us
At night when my head hits my pillow and my eyes shut fast
I wait for you
I wait for you to appear
Because here, there are no strings attached
No cameras flicking
No music playing
No people watching
Just YOU and ME
Just peace and serenity
Meet me if you will...
We can thumb wrestle
Slow now is my speed
The doc gave me enough tickets
I'm done with speeding...

Oh Eight

Giving up seafood
Giving up crowded spaces
Even giving up all noisey places
Giving up negatives
Giving up hateful thoughts
Even giving up all meaningless sexual sports
Giving up frowns
Giving up sobs
Even giving up going nowhere fast jobs
Giving up nightlife
Giving up being in the zone
Even giving up my favorite clubs and all shots of patron
Giving up shopping
Giving up beautifying self for the pleasure of he
Definitely giving up all the persons that don't wholeheartedly love me
Giving up disingenuous people
Giving up rushing all the time
Even giving up all that I thought was mine
Giving up ketchup
Giving up foods that break me out
Even giving up all don't and doubts
In Oh Eight I'm focused on the rebirth of me
Nomore false hopes, false dreams, unpromising future and striving to be
Its time to let my passion truely shine
I'm accepting my role and claiming all that's mine
I'd rather travel and explore this beautiful earth
Discover new things about self and mend this heart that lives in hurt
I've danced plenty I've consumed enough alcohol for ten 300 pound men
I'm going to live like God desires me to
And quit all unjustified sinning

Oh Eight is the celebration of self
Great love
Great skin
Great thoughts
Great health

Sigh;

Half smiled face
Upside downed cake
I see the blue line
Its positive
I'm positive
Belly button watch
I want to record the exact time it pops out
False alarm really
But what if
And a call came thru my dial
A lady with women's fingernails
What would I say
My age ringing in my ears
Who does this still
Tell me their race
Connect the dots on your innocent looking face
Raw deal, clearly
Danger sleeping in my bed
Fuck the amazing sexual feeling
Nigga did you remember what you said
SINGLE...
UNATTACHED...
Then I don't hear from you
She calls me back
Never again
Die while you're alive
Fool defines me
I'm speechless
Sigh;

Shit

As sharp as I seem
When did my blade-like abilites become so... dull
I'm weak for dude
And no not my dude either
Shit...
Our outside situations still bounce around conversation
Although, the realness to his just won't register
Damn the attentiveness and adornment I receive in his arms is unexplainable
Shit...
The works...
He completes me
I must say
Even if its a right now emotion or feeling
I'ma let it "ride to the wheels fall off"
I ponder the thought
Is this what she feels
Because just from our enegry
We go 2gether like popcorn and a movie
Our worlds being somewhat so different
Yet still somehow apart
My situation stands the same
But can fall so easily
Be replaced, crumble if you will
My dude still hasn't rolled up the red carpet after the premiere
Now the normal society of lies stroll down
How can I fall so hard for someone that's not available to the public
I mean a silver, gold, or platinum, miniture-sized hula-hoop doesn't decorate his left hand
But the word my girl has come about
Shit...
That "TITLE" even bounces around the brain
Why must complications present themselves with me, so often
Why can't shit just flow
Difficult yes I maybe
But shit, this is even too difficult for me
Shit...

Sick

Still coughing up Oh Seven sins
Blowing my nose of those last minute regrets
Hoarse voiced from screaming
WHERE IS HE????????????????
I'm sick... :-(
Flu symptoms people
Although, on my new travel I've packed light
So light, that all 3 bags are considered carry-on's
Reading over how these mens have had me bent over raining tears of pain
Tears of heartbroken, sobbing, sadness
Honey Child I won't miss those previous moons
Hello... She must be nuts
But again I repeat, I'm sick... :-(
Noone deserves a talent like She
Who wants to arise with such a sun-shined, pure-hearted, hard-loving beauty next to them every morning
Scares many; Shit, Scared plenty;
The haircut, still taking getting use too
Being single running into Oh Eight, still taking getting use too
Promising self, Christmas was the last set of tears I would shed
But again they overflow my pupils
Oh my, I'm sick... :-(
God I need a Holy hug
A Holy kiss
A Holy moment to get rid of all this
The 2nd day and already mourning the life that I wasn't given
The life that She isn't living
Yup..., I'm sick... :-(
A chocolate diamond decorating my beauty-marked manicured ring finger
I'm engaged to me, I ANNOUNCE
Before Katie, I was Carrie
Nomore sex for me in this city
Send the gifts people
I'm marrying me
Yes... I agree
She's sick... :-(

Sigh;

Its been a brief
My fingers sore from work related text and email replys
I end my friday with half task complete
I wanted to see him
sigh;
I rest my body for the remainder of the night
I need to prepare myself for the family filled
Syracusian weekend
I rest my eyes
I dream big
Dreams of relaxing, joyous, smilieful days to come
Knowing my 3 time Princess awaits my arrival @ my Mom's door step
Sigh;
Sigh;
Saturday's 4 hour path went by in a flash as My eagerness grew near
Happiness haunts as I ring the bell
Last visit was summer bound
The scent of weekly mowed lawns and pine trees filled the airs
As the Shot Gun door flys open I get my 1st wift of the real winter cold
Mysterious really
Yet warming
I run up the short flight
There she is... Alerted by her Mother's door lock
A kiss to the forehead as she screams
Auntie Nia you're here
I smile with my eyes
As happiness pinches @ my cheeks
The pace has slowed the 1st day has passed
I lay in the tub of ahava beaded filled waters
Masked face with berry in hand
Soaking in joy
Pure family filled joy
Christmas they call it
Jesus this is the best birthday
Thank you for allowing me to be apart
Sigh;

Something

Haunting whispers heard from a far
They grow near as I put my listening sense to the fore front of my attentiveness
Someone or Something is trying to tell me something
Something a wise woman probably already knows
I close my eyes and try to make out the words
The language barrier has me beat
Since American English and I eloped about 24, 25 years ago
But the sounds tell a story
Of pain
Of hurt
Of disappointment
As my soul reads...
Funny how your can sense a feeling
Even if your mind can't make out the words
I'm humble now
My understanding never seems to be 100% in most cases
However, I do comprehend
My heart if full...
My soul has received something
So my inquisitive state can disappear...

Sore Story

God I scream out to you
Why can't I just escape
I know its all me
But why the long chat
Why the abundance of reasons
Excuses if you will
I want him
I love him
I desire him
He's me...
But what's the guard
Is it that hard to even commit to me @ least 10% of your time
Does my purpose consist of trails of heartache
Why must I hurt
Always
Selfishness haloing over the head of he
What can you want with little me
3years ringing in soon another season/season gone by
Still the same state
Just standing by
Gazing @ the days
5year plan
My name not on the top list of To Do's
Alcohol filled body
Mouth with constant chatter of a million why's
Tell the stories of why not's
Not even a single paragraph of why so's
What motivates most lately whispering in my tiny child sized ears
Baby talk
Laughter appears in mind
My glassy eyes trying their hardest to stay alive
Clarity ripping through my skin for the thousandth time
Armpits filled of sadness
I raise my arms to release
The smell of stress reaking from my slender frame
Boi just bruise me more
I think I dig the fact that the heart I harbour lives a life as being sore

Something on my medulla oblongata

Have you ever had a dream with in a dream
One reality feels like another when none are actually reality
You wake up out of one trying to fulfill the other
Its cool to know how deep the mind can travel
Just something on my medulla oblongata

Speechless...

Speechless...

I took a skinny dip in the pool of attentiveness, affection, shit the pool of Damn...
Dude wowed the shit out of me
Very unexpected
But when you allow God to do his work things just fall into place
My swim was refreshing until the Jaws of honesty took a bite
Shit...
Girlie is speechless
Dude wanted to be 100 with me as he submitted
He's in a situation
He has a situation
In my medulla oblongata
I have a situation with just about everyone
My friends
My family
Shit even strangers
I was once told Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
So situation means the top of the food chain for him
She's the one
Wow...
Speechless...
He still wants a situation with me, in my opinion
But shit is it even considered a situation
I mean our energy is unprecedented (his words)
It's undeniable (his words)
However, Karma and I just deaded our beef
She kicked a Girlie's ass once upon a time
Don't want to get back into it with her
So speechless I tell you
I have to sit on this one
Having him grab me up and just passionately kiss me making my heart stop and wanting him more and more is just unexplainable
Shit I see dude as my textmate
You can't beat that since he's apart of the berry world
Speechless I tell you
Speechless...
I'm going to have 2 talk this over with my God
Everyone enters your life for a reason
For a season
But I've learned once before if somethings too good to be true its not good for you
I feel the illness coming on
No cure for this one
Speechless...
Yo...
A girlie is speechless...

Speeding

Swollen tongue sleep in my closed mouth
I let him play with it for a brief portion of the night
Wanting more of him
Wanting to arise with him
Smitten since our 1st eye match
Missing his touch immensely
Angry with the confusion of aggression
Jokes being jokes sometimes
No consistency of mine
Ending the call of ?'S
Feeling obligations @ such a fast pace
I want him nude
But nude only
Arm and arm not my goal
Away is where the head rest primarily during the year
A 5 hour can get me there
But will it occur???
Newbie killing my person already
I want the before back
The surprise in the crackerjack box
Too late
I ran the red light
Another pricey ticket to pay
Clearly I have a problem with speeding

Stand in love

Is there a such thing as standing in love
If so, can I have that love, please...
Because falling in loving is just 2 damn hard
I want 2 stand when I love
Fuck the falling
I haven't gotten up yet
It feels as if my body has been bolted 2 the ground and my heart has been removed and placed in a jar 4 the human(male) that I thought I fell in love w/ 2 view and make a mockery of
How R these love tactics even possible
There has 2 B some unwritten laws about this somewhere
If we're chemically connected what breaks us apart?
When I fell, I thought I was holding his hand
He truly must of let go and I was oblivious 2 his absense
Did I need my glasses 2 really see his love or maybe a hearing aid 2 hear his love
I like that my vision isn't 20/20 and I can't hear 100% of the time
God wants me 2 see U as I see U and hear U as I hear U
I shouldn't need help
The prueness of my heart should guide me
But I gotta move out of Oblivion because i'm sick of being bitten by the serpent
So next time it's stand in love 4 me
I'm feed up w/ lovers flying over me basking in they're joy and happiness
I envy thee who has fallen in love in Unison
I pray 1 day after i've mastered my Stand in love bit
I can 2 fall back in love

Steady(done with now)

A semi-hot cup of Jasmine tea to start my day along
Wide eyed for whatever thoughts and actions await me, during pm hours
A deep convo with Boss Man has me feeling uneasy about my way of life
I'm aware that I date a lifestyle
But breaking it off...
Hard enough just thinking about it
My fantabulous life reveals so much of my true person
Or am I blinded by the enormous bundles of spontaneous happy
I approve the preceptions of my job versus the behind my big door world
But yes a steady income has to come from some where
My job as a Mobile Consultant
My career title: " Miss Aspiring Everything"
My writings on the walls as well as my mobile wear of poetry
Just keeping me afloat
But who is Nia
I thought, I knew a pinch
Until the build up of shut downs took a toil on me
"You can't continue to shut down when you need to grow," he recites
But grow amongst pain, I shall not
Yes I vacate...
This is the me I know
Yet still grows
I feel... (deep breath), I'm afraid of what's different in other worlds
I'm exposed in bundles, I presume
But maybe simple worlds shouldn't be malice in my eyes
But why
The simple life is still lived
Mountain top experiences can not always bring joy even if it provides a joyful feeling
I question myself
I question my world
Should I dummy down in a sense
Take a step back and become Nia(pronounced the correct way)
Or does Naya(Nia) still run
But if my feet are moving 2 fast for my soulmate to catch me
How will monogamy ever play out in my purpose driven life
"If he gives me diamonds and pearls would I truly be a happy girl"
So far no is the outcome of constant years of tears
I'm happy an well aware of my push away of my constant platonic's
They all reveal themselves through the dateable lifestyle
But again, I want steady
Gifts and trips
Dining and Dicked
Clothes and Cash
Shoes and Bags
All seasonal really...
I need consistency
I desire tomorrow
I'm done with know...

The fool

My eyes R like running streams
My tears don't have a set pattern
They flow from check 2 nose down 2 mouth pass my chin straight 4 my chest
I think they're trying 2 find my heart
They want 2 put out the fire that's burning inside
I hurt, I hurt more
It's my fault being the fool again
When U think U have buried the fool inside
He arises again
I prayed on this
But maybe I wasn't prayed up
I was once told U must b prayed up
U can't squeeze ur prayers in when U need ur father most
I should have needed him always
Called on him always
Now I hurt, I hurt more

The delight of lastnight

The delight of lastnight
Couldn't have arrived @ a better time
I needed the bond to get all this friendship pain off my mind
Dressing up as dreams, movies, or stars
As I gave away my hard feelings with drinks. From 5 different bars
Lol...
You may
I'm feeling it hard as I type
And as I say everytime, this is my last fucken night
We entertained Five different scenes
A sultan and his dude
They cracked jokes of my big feet and my sick ass dance moves
That red wig did it to them
Shit it did something to me
It had me offically bringing back absolutely sexy
Chaka Chan slept away, flash dancer posed as we flicked
as the sedutive sherrif tried to keep up with my dancing bit
I have to thank my Girlies for handing over that night
It goes to show how much I need yall in my life

Thoughts

Ever step on the iron horse and get a dose of confusing energy?
I have...
2day my thoughts have been so deep that my mind just ponders
I look around @ the various ethic faces that sit and stand b4 me
And just wonder
What R their stories?
I can't read minds but I do perceive self as being keen when it comes 2 energy
But there are so many different angles that energy bounces upon
Moment after moment
A chemist couldn't keep track
Even though I can not put my finger on
A direct connection
I feel our unconcious love still somehow intertwines

Today

The 1st day after the storm of enormous responsibility as well as constant tasks bought joy into the pits of my heart
I felt good all day while the snow dots scattered amongst the city as the sun shinned upon our skies
One of the weirdest combinations since my own eyewitness of a lunar eclipse in the playgrounds in my youth-filled days
But when strange bows down before you, only stranger than lerks
Ending a daily with seasoned steak a little too... tuff 4 my chompers but settled the hunger rush
Then the calls and text rang in
One after another
Heart drop after heart drop
Names rang out @ me as the topic of discussion in church on communion Sunday was how 2 end a bad day
This one was a go, I suppose
But having a joy filled heart left my mind almost too optimistic
Thinking only more love and happy was to appear
Having the heart pinched twice in one day only brings me to my knees as I silently scream out his name in vain
LORD... MY GOD
Father why today
I had a good day
Today was a good day
The 27th year shy of 8 days is running around corners
What and who my father allowed to journey with me has come 2 a hault
Some passes have expired
These things or persons will no longer move on 2 my next purpose driven levels
They've received their time
And time waits 4 noone
I'm afraid 2 count
3.14 is pie
Who's actually going to be left 2 share?

Tonight

I lay in the dark
Eyes wide shut with a huge smirk upon my face
Darkness for noone to witness
But perparing myself for yet another big big positive dream
I hear whispers of joy entering my ears grabbing naps for mornings 1st rise
The smell of pasta and garlic fills my nose
A time difference arrives
I see the number 11 and 5 go by in a bubble clashing as they burst together
Changing my thoughts to focus on my long journey in the still night as I sleep
Self-care is the thought
Reconstructing the inner me
So happy can applaud consistently for the show me capital of this cold world
My heart beats like the sound of a dripping facet
Nervousness circles around the butteflies parading in the pit of my tummy
I shout out quietly to the universe
Quiet my mind
I want to sleep in love

Train track exclusive

My hands tightly closed
Ready for a punch @ any draw
I won't open them
Everytime I try to grab something it slips away
These oily palms won't keep a hold on anything of late
Missing love immensely
Or some form of love @ least
Maybe just the idea of love
Feeling invisible red fingernails stratching @ my deep tissue massaged back
Someone lift this weight off my shoulder blades
I'm trying to concentrate here...
His freckles present in my eyes
As I try to blink the vision away
Skinny mini they call me
But I can feel his bones against my chest
Eat a little a popup thought appears
But he's perfect
My perfect
Well someones perfect
Admiring his profoundness
His power names
As weird as they sound
I giggle repeating it to self
But everyone has a Nia(purpose)
What's yours
Or should I say
Who's yours???

Unlovable

Unlovable
How I choose to define self
Those that pretend they love me only lust me for a brief
Have I been...
Wait... Deep breath...
Have I been hexed to be unlovable
Time allows true colors to shine
But why not seize the good felt deal now
Black out choices
I choose now
My hypothesis has proven consistently the wait alters your feelings/emotions
Shit, your all around being
Why switch up when the right now mood is so... right
Who are we destined for
Or shall I ask who am I destined for
Jesus Christ was single
Is that the path of choice for self
How would my legacy live on through my own offspring if they never had a chance @ life
I love hard
So hard that I become bitter and vengeful when feelings/emotions become altered
Love should shadow away any don'ts, won'ts, wrongs, negative as a whole
I define love as a ghost of a feeling
Something that haunts you, something you can't get rid of
Something that appears out of nowhere
Something that makes you sick
Something that gives you joy
Something...
Everything...
Anything...
But there's always a but, because, although, or however somewhere awaiting to begin or enter a sentence
But let it flow, let it be, it is what it is, it's whatever
I've heard those terms time and time again
But practice, I shall not
Not my method of choice
I feed off truth be it brutal or simplistic
I'm off the term obvious
Speak, shout, chat, text, talk, tell me...
Shit...
Or am I destined to be Unlovable...

Until next time

Does time really define action
If you don't activate right now will it be able to operate in the future
Did you ever set your camera on a timer to capture the picture later on
Just to seize the moment
Freeze time
I wish I used my time wisely
But should I fault self
I was running off the Lord's clock
I can't control Father's time
He seized his chance
While I toyed with my time
Even though he took a stab @ new love and traveled to another time-zone
Should I fault him
I was the one toying waiting for a sign from above
I thought we served the same father
So... confused with the different messages we received
Well I'll stay stuck in my zone
Since I lost him in hers
Sigh...
Until next time

Welcome me

I welcome you to endure the savior pages of my Universe
My .00000825 experienced earth
How can one call Rome home
When across seas has yet been traveled
But seeing through the eyes of another allows me to smell a Thursday's rain on a late Saturday morning
What's the name of the judge that ordered you not to live vicarously through a stranger's soul
Off with his/her head
The story of Alice and Wonderland plays back in my mind
Paperpack pages of one stranger's life growing in me like new white blood cells
Leaving should not always require meaning I've come to swallow
Finding though provides self significance
My self significance
Missing pieces to your puzzle may not be in Pandora's box or @ someone's weekly pity party
Maybe they are lost in an untraveled world
I feel and Angel wing growing out my back as my eyes repeatedly shift left to right across the pages of Eat Pray Love
A wine glass shakes on a Romanian Brasserie's table top near by
Attraversiamo...(Let's cross over)
Jumps out @ me
There's no grief, guilt, pain, regrets, sorrow, sadness, aggravation, humiliation, embarrassment, loneliness, malice acts, negative anything on that side
Attraversiamo...
Someone awaits you
A new someone
The YOU you've been purposely placed here to become
My earthly charity acts begin now
My 1st call for duty: Touch one soul
Not with my finger tips like a Marvel Comics hero
But with my heart, through my words Here I am Miss. Energy herself
Welcome me Universe
Here I come
Welcome me...

Where's the soap???

Historic moments in our life trap us in deep thought
My mind drifts off to past mistakes
Past promises
Past decisions
Past regrets
Past hopes
Even my past aches
I tare @ the pages of my unsung memory
Focusing on the reasoning behind it all
Awareness of how the dark clouds are strategically placed
Tribulation being the money word giving to try and erase
Having a tiger claw still couldn't rip the pages from this old but, new mind
My brain has been fixed
Changing my thought process has only band-aided the womb
I heard a quote
TELL YOUR PROBLEMS HOW BIG YOUR GOD IS...
I cough up my unanswered prayers
A Humming Bird sings near by
He may not be there when I call
But he's always on time
Forgiveness I bring forth
Knee capping the concrete
God I run to you
Yet still pondering the days
Where's the soap???
I must wash away the one way love
The same loves that won't quit loving the difficult me
All present when roll call is recited
Is there even a slot left for one new
Move over damnit I think he's here

"Part One" Fairy Hell

"Part One"

Fairy Hell

Cinderella...
Cinderella...
I hear Step Mama coyote yell my name thru the door
As I stare in the mirror of Possibilites
I see my glossy pupils lighting up back @ me
What will this world bring next
Locked up in the Attic of pain waiting for the key to turn the lock
Free me
Just Free me
Let me get a stab @ reality
Let me make my fantasy come alive
Daydreaming of twirling in a field of cherry blossoms with a sweet smelling lavender lily in hand
I take a deep wift of love
The scent of joy all around
I blink my eyes and Mama appears with another load of grief for me to wash
She screams have these linens pressed by 9
Your step sisters and I have a ball to attend
A ball...
A ball...
The ball..., Mama?
Yes! But Cinderella noone wants your rags there
You have enough work to complete here alone
I try to shield the tears brewing inside from bungy jumping on to my checks
My face begins to rain
Mama exits and slam locks the door
I'm trapped
I'm trapped eternally
I toss the linens to the floor and pan down into downward facing dog
I ache
I ache
I'm sure Prince Charming would love to meet this heart of heart
Even in rags I can love
I need to release all my carebear love hidden inside
I'm going to atomic bomb explode my Lord
A stink bomb of bitterness seeps thru my mind
Patience is a virture they say
My time will arrive
Someone bring the big black key
Free me
Just Free me

To be continued...

"Part Two"

Wait...

A melancholy weekend transformed into a sporatic warming, sunny, blue-skied day dream
He missed me
Only a two week of a prior face to face
But my Babe missed me
The 1st of my non-tragic, non-consistent, semi-relationship related connections
A unknown world of fun with the male species
My male species
My soul connector
My very own other half
Is this life???
In the companionship form that is
I'm loving it
Omg I'm loving it
Extremely adorable moment after moment
As I feel foot-like steps patter across my heart
My inside crowded with lustful cells
Love escaping into my fragile frame
I blink away as a memory of how the feeling of his prescence makes me glow amongst the land
His arms full of me as we lay day after day Night after night
How can anything feel so right
All negatives, all stress, all heartache, all low points @ hand shipped off
I hear the captain shout, ALL ABOARD
Who knew it would be great to be a real Girlfriend
Playing house constantly in the past
No more Ken's for this mixed-breed Barbie
Cindrella's glass Jimmy Choos are on
Joy around every city corner we turn
Splatters of happy as we glide together on the boogie floor
My Charming Adores me
Kisses for him only
This lovely lady in a dress, is taken
Wait...
Just wait...
The Cinderella story continues to unfold
Wait guys
Sigh;
There's so much more to come...

"Part Three"

Yet Again...

Who's world am I borrowing from
What window of dreams am I peeking into
What fairy hell have I been casted upon
This is not my story
This is not how I pictured it to play out
Where are the Bed of White Roses I requested
When the projector started rolling I prayed the director had enough film intact
My movie was clearly cut short
I heard a scream...
CUT...
Back on pause has arrived, yet again
My costar vanished from existence
I didn't know I was on the set of The Invisible Man
Maybe I selected the wrong role
I wanted to play Cinderella
I am Cinderella
He once joked about me being the Run Away Bride
So what does that make He
Since I'm the one standing with both glass Jimmy Choos in hand
He said let's jump together hopefully we land together
But no, I just needed to get those damn shoes off
My feet begun to swell
My heart begun to swell
Anxiety attack people
My pale skin decorated with hives
Someone come quick
Get me out of this dress
There will be no wedding today
My horse and carriage are ready to go back in the pumpkin patch
My rags reappeared
Back in the attic as Step Mother always said
I'll lock myself up
And throw away the key
I agree now
Unhappily Ever After
Tap your fake magic wand Fairy God Mother
Tap away
Charming wasn't meant for me
Maybe if I turn into a Olga
My Sherk will appear
Dragons don't need to guard this castle
I'll live here until my dying day
This heart of mine is broken
Cinderella is lost, yet again

Expose urself

Why do u fault me
Ur dinner and a movie is my Romance in Paris
My South Beach is ur day @ a Public Pool
Ur chilling and drinking is my sampling of Wine and Cheese
Ur Gap is my Henri Bendel's
Ur local Bodega is my Whole Foods
Girl expose urself...
Hennessy is not the only Congac
Deep and Spirit r not the only HipHop spots
Packaged hair is not the only weave
Rucker is not the only Park
Expose urself....
I try 2 think outside the box
I can't limit myself 2 and unexposed World
Why R U imtimidated by assumptions
Expose urself...
How is it more comfortable 2 stop by Nine West than Chuckies Boutique
Even if I can't afford anything @ the moment
I feel, I belong
This is my Earth
Unexposed is just not going 2 B
Don't hate on my life style
Our salaries R just about the same
U just choose 2 dine @ BBQ's
I'd rather rich, juicy, mouth watering deep fried Lobster from the Atlanta Fish Market or Sea Bass scewers from Tao
I've been exposed, somewhat
There's much 2 come 4 me
I have a entire universe awaiting my presence
Memorial weekend wouldn't B my getway 2 Myrtle Beach
Travel 2 Phuket
Travel 2 Maui
Travel beyond...
Yes... its a much larger expense but 1 huge trip savior's the memory
Why must u continously surround urself w/ ur kind
Don't b comfortable
Become uncomfortable Spontaneous If U will
I promise U
There's a world out there awaiting ur presence
Remember, expose urself...
Trip urself up a bit and fall into something's different
U may discover change with ur own
I did...

End the Story

Tears drown my pillow as I call on My Lord
Please not another depressive state
Not another boat load of stress
I thought that was lifted once my leave kicked in
Almost 2months and counting of and extended Ferris Buller's Day Off
A penny hasn't jingled on my table top thus far
How is one suppose to survive
The last I checked there aren't any Indian Reservations around
So living off the land is completely obsolete
My right hand holding me down as well as holding me up
Be it literally or human
I cry out for help
Maybe someone can hear me
Being it's a soulful silent cry
Hoping and praying my God will answer
Sister telling me not to approve the stress that keeps knocking @ my door
Don't sign for it
Send it back
Chanting times approaching again
There isn't a celebrating gene present in this slender body
Nothing but somber energy and moods around
I try to mask my grief so noone will witness pain
But even being halloween clothed
A simple stare into my slightly closed chinky's could tell you a long story
I call on him
I call his name
Jesus...
The Son of God...
My Lord...
Cast a blessing...
Grant a wish...
Honor a prayer...
I need you all over me
All through me
What to do????
Blinks in before my eyes
Remove the question marks My Lord and end the story...

Eat Pray Love

Its 2:26am and I must testify that I am completely and utterly engouled by this book. Life keeps flashing before my eyes and I become Liz more and more. The secret has dropped a piano of grace in the center of my chest. Life has taken a new course in the learnings of my world. I will become more adventurous than ever before. I've discovered it's clearly okay to experience the unknowing and having significance with self is far more important than achieving a meaningless goal. Life will never again be malice in my eyes and living for the moment has become more celebratory than ever. I can big-smile and actually feel my cheeks crack with joy. I'm unsure what you guys will receive from the story of one stranger's life, but I respect and honor the stories of any and every strange self from this point on. What's decorated on a person's face can go far more deeper than a regular bad day. The good in good should be rejoiced and the complaints can be buried for eternity. I live today... For once, close your eyes and allow your dreams to feed your soul. Why not dream big and bright so when your joy rings in your ears in the morning a new you is born. I don't want to rattle on with my new beginnings but it feels good to share. Parla come magni (speak the way you eat).

Eat Pray Love

I was there
Windowing your story
Peeking into your world
Right next to the small green fountain in the middle of the library
Did you see the the broken glass near your left foot
I did
You wore a multi colored tunic
You held fresh picked berry's in your right hand
You hair was in a disarray from the lustful wind
Your eyes blinked of frustration
You snacked on fruits while you read the daily journal of italy
I cried out to you
I felt so alive
I never wanted to live more
You heard me
You had too
You peeked up twice to the sound of my raspy voice
Remind me again of your next travel
My heart and soul are already packed

Don't reply

Your smile is my frown
Your up is my down
Your day is my night
Your left is my right
Your happy is my sad
Your joy is my mad
Your touch is my tap
Your world is my map
Your wealth is my poor
Your commitment is my whore
Your house is my room
Your summer is my june
Your car is my feet
Your career is my 40+hrs a week
Your shopping is my browse
Your then is my now
Your month is my year
Your trust is my care
Your voice is my hush
Your love is my lust

And to know now, why I'm not good enough

I still walk with my head held high
As my heart cries out
I so... miss that guy

Enjoy your day!
And remember,
Don't reply...

Did you put eggs in the cake???

Smitten by being bitten all over @ once
The movie scene shark attack
Words darting @ me as I dodge the excuses bubbling and brewing from his 5 by 7 lips
How long has it been
Uno, dos, tres
I'm not hispanic
Dick Clark stop the clock
I have one last question before I dive into the 12 ft depth pool and drown myself
Hell no I still can't swim
But I will open my eyes under waters
Since I feel blind on land
Did you put eggs in the cake???

Deep Thoughts

The sprinkling of the sand across the earth gave a true balance of creativity.
It allowed us to be more open-minded in how simple you can be swallowed up by something that appears identical to every other grain.
It grants some form of clarity in knowing how valuable the 5 senses we all posess that were instilled in all of our unique, individual, God created designs can become.
As well as the importance in utilizing them.

Just something on my mind.

Damn

A meteor of happy flew thru my cold bedroom window
Strange thing isn't it
These unseasonal temps have my mind jogging in so many different directions
Can't keep a steady head to save my life
But this cold draft of necessary joy I feel now
Its keeping my chubby cheeks kissing my eyelids
My prayer has been answered
Nearly a full month of crying out
Since Christmas morning arrived with continuous tears
One email and I'm full
I even dialed up only to hang up
Needed just a voice of one single word
HELLO
The biggest holiday of my year running in and I feel its going to be a great one
Even though he has no clue or maybe he do
All this pie is just for you
He can believe me that I don't even have a desire to share
I wanna feel his collarbone pierce my back again
As he shelters my body
Have you ever felt cloud comfort
Me either but for some reason laying with him feels like nothings even underneath
And nothing can bring me down
Damn
In the words of Usher
I got it bad

Cold Hearted

How can one love with a cold heart
I'm freezing right now
From what I've learned, love warms the soul
So not in my case
I'm totally suffering from Hypothermia
Why though
Is being a dick so much easier than being cool
I don't ask for much
I don't feel a connection through soul's
So you being my soulmate is completely obsolete
Still a chance taken
But why even try with me
A baby could arrive
Then what
A cold heart can kill us both
I refuse to be a bitter parent
I told myself to quit
But addicted to disrespect, I must
How can one just vanish right after you depart
No communication as if oceans are seperating contact
Do I deserve this
Must I cry everytime
Frozen tears watering my cheeks
Who are you and why were sent to kill me

Awaiting his call

Confused and frustrated w/ ur sudden subborn ways
Going 2 bed thinking will it all again fade away
Is his interest missed or am I 2 much right now
Will he ever get up enough guts 2 explain 2 me how
Arriving again @ another questionable point
Is it by fate or faith or did I have 2 many pulls from that joint
My mind being a floating cloud
I can't get him out of my head
However, I can't seem 2 remember the last thing he said
Am I crazy 4 yearning
Should I even feel love from nothing @ all
Still texting the same goodnite my luv, awaiting his call

Am I mean

Am I mean
Is my energy sometimes negatively received
Can I be a blade in the back @ times
If so, check me
Does my attitude stink
R there black clouds hovering over me
Is my spirit evil
If so, check me
Does my mouth turn up or down often
Do I make other's feel gloomy
Do I complain about nothing
Do I seek out all the wrong in people
If so, check me
Do U consider me a friendly individual
Can I be posionous @ times
Do I bring rain 2 the already sunny days
Have U ever compared me 2 a sour fruit
If so, check me
Am I loud all the time
Do I wear alot of dark tones
Am I easily annoyed
Are my patience extremely short
If so, check me
Do I swear alot
Do I talk over others
Do I talk about others
Am I a terrible listener
Have U felt that I was vengeful
If so, check me
Am I the king crab in the barrel
Do I mettle in everyone elses business
Do I tell secrets
Do I discuss people w/ everyone but that person
Can I not be trusted
If so, check me
Am I a hard person 2 deal w/
Do I carry alot of baggage
Am I the last person 2 call
Am I the 1 U really hate
If so, check me
If U haven't checked me,
look in the mirror and check me

(_)

(*_*)

A simplistic warming gracious feeling
Wow...
Classic...
As the girls recite throughout our STARR-STUDDED weekend
Miami wasn't prepared for what we offered
5 dazzling beauties in your presence all @ once
Maybe... Too heavy for most
And yes, we layed it on thick
It was like time stood still just for our arrival
And the abundance of joy and happiness we felt is non-measurable
I'm suffering from vacation-separation anxiety as we speak
I so needed that...
I so required that...
We needed to bond amongst eachother
Under the South Beach Sun couldn't have been a better choice of location
Our closeness now is so unbreakable
We see self for self
Shit, we respect self for self
I love my dawgs
I'm honored to have such wholehearted persons in my life
Bar dancing without negative judgement or dirty looks
Hot tub after-party play
Still no negative judgement
Unlimited amounts of index finger(lol) taco meat(lol) jokes
Still same mood, same positive-happy energy
Defines true love, true joy, true happy...
In my opinion
Just pure appreciation of all being on the same level
Girlies thanks...
Fuck a dude sometimes
I got yall baby
Lol...
Non... I wouldn't take it there...
(*_*)...

314

20 minute ride of ka-glom brain blogging puzzles while I listen 2 next stop being recited over and over in my head
I try 2 drown out the sound while my imagination drifts off gazing @ the cloud of love halowing over head
The short trip intercepts as I exit the iron horse with a sly smirk upon my face
eyes glitzing from happy almost tears
27th year approaching and 3.14 is pie @ my finger tips once again
I set a goal upon my heart
I told my soul she would meet her mate and would beweb by the zero ocho year
Optimism stands but summed up in such a brief time frame
Questioning purpose after purpose as the numbers 3,1,4 appear in every transation I process
They haunt me
I wonder if the taunt is 2 remind me of another me or the previous me
Praying each day that something new makes me smile

Clarity

Smack dead in the middle of the world
My head feels like the equator @ this point
I'm steaming
My temperature has brewed to the maximum I know I'm about to over boil
Who knew questions could warrant actions of answers like this
I'm a very open person
Even if my Berlin Wall still stands sometimes
I protect myself
I need the whole story not just the 1st few pages you read in the beginning of every newspaper
Chanting optimism keeps me happy inside
But negative acts twirl before my eyes
Digging me can only go but so deep
The shovel had hit the core
I smiled during the previous moon
The jelly brought about joy in my tender soul
I wanted to shift my plans just for the adornment of He
But went with it anyhow
With nothing but nothing occurring
Nausea raping my body of good feelings
Soulmate feelings
All this for He
He being the malice one
Clarity He longed for
Are things clear now...

Choice

I miss you @ these consistent cold hours. I just knew you would be my cuddle buddy. Crawled up in bed wrapped around eachother in twister form. Both of us smiling inside just feeling good to have a comfortable lay in unison. Those days have passed because we both made bad choices. If only we chose together new days would unfold.

Boomerang

My boomerang left my hands
I can still feel the force left on my pale finger tips
I watched it glide threw the air like the Airbus flight that landed @ JFK port in the previous moon of today
I had to release it
The pain that I held onto only made me worse
Doc visit to discover my shoulder still not in complete workable condition
Neither is my tender heart
Although, insecurities took a hike
I threw Boomerang out there
I gave it my last painful right swing of the season
I've been hovering over Boomerang since our 1st eye match that night
And for what
All for what
No intentions @ all of me being a keeper
Confusing really
I've never been attracted to the selfish
But I ran by Boom
Dreaming of happy
Fantasizing of worlds to come
Boomerang getting in line
Our line
As we walk within eachother together
I've waited it out
Same outcome
Same questions
Same answers
No
Unconscious control over me for days past
Not allowing days to come
Reading over my words seeing how broken I've been
Oblivous to Boomerang's holding game
As special as I am
As gifted as I've become
My friends upset with my actions
No explaination of how I let it get this damn bad
Memory crashed
But knowing deep inside how Boom really feels
Requesting hypnosis to feel or hear truth
But held deep inside will never heal my heart
I need to let go
Removal of memories for one-self healing
Even though I owe royalties to Boom for starting me back on my craft
I toss Boom out my guarded window
My Boomerang glides across all skies
I nod my head of tears
I nod my head of almost two whole years
Ciao
Only God knows if I'll see you, hear you or feel you again
Someday...

Bamboo

The feelings in me are runneth over
Joy is nibbling @ my cheeks
I feel wonderful
My lastnight eye match with my 27 inch sony has me on a whole new path
I'm living the secret
Lend me your ear let me tell you about it
There will be no moods a swinging
Happiness is here to stay
I'm in love with me this day
I'm accepting me and marketing my grateful self to the world
The law of attraction has reacted in my favor already
A positive thought can seize a dreadful moment anyday
This smile has been tatooed on my beautiful face
Anger and bitterness has been buried
What happens to me from here forth will be in my control
I'm the mother of my destiny
God is my creator and I will live in fear of him only
I'm going where my positive energy flows
Nothing is stopping me now
Positive persons rule
If gay means happy
Then fruit cake it is...

Waitress

Waitress

Twenty Eight days in and still stuck in the same position
I no longer want to wait on tables of love
Serving up self, time and time again
1st course
2nd course
3rd
Shit I've given 7 course meals out to some
Even if my friends have been tipping wellI haven't taken any of their opinions into consideration
I want to fight for love
But it just wasn't enough to help me survive
Same meal every night
Goodnight my love
I love you
And the universe seems to have blocked the delivery
Maybe what I placed before him is not what he's eating
Well today I quit
My waitress duties are done
I'm going to run with the tips that I've earned
I need a new job anyhow
Waiting was never going to cut it
I dream too big for this
Talent pinch me hard
I'm taking my show back on the road
The story I once lived was majestical
But baby the book is closed
Applaud me as I bow
Dorothy dropped a house on me last night
Ding Dong the waitress is dead