Tuesday, August 25, 2009

He kept me...

Feels like ions have passed since I've thumb tapped
This feeling on the inside is like a comet exploding onto a new earth
I don't know what's going on in this new ♥ of mine
Glassy eyes from magnetic tears
The surgery put a positive damper on my soft soul
I don't want to work the tongue of a negative word
Catch the next yellow taxi I've already been hit by that one
Dr. Main used God's borrowed hands wisely upon my fragile frame
My Holy Bible peeking @ me reminding me of Jazzy B's worn passport
Knowing the wear & tear is because its been used
Smiling @ the fact that words can put out a old broken hearted fire from a few short moons ago
It doesn't even feel like I ever knew a man named Stress
A chick named Pain
Some dude called Misery
That Broad name Hurt
HolyGhosted was I?
The white neck collar decorating my neck
The bandages taping my new fresh slice in my neck
Still nothing negative to say
The tablets that help keep me chatting with my daily visits
Still nothing negative to say
Puttie pass me another Q-Tip to remove what I've just heard running out of my mother's mouth
I just want to float in this bliss
So many kind words just shared with my fellow piscean Laura
Only to be thanked but unaware of the thumb messages
I'm pulling these words out of thin air
I feel so damn good
So damn good
Follow me
Because this path is full of God's grace
I'm sure you get why he kept me
My God, kept me
I'm staying in this space
Time to knock on wood & help out My Ace
A drop in my ♥rate
Twice during my 4day Lenox Hill stay
Mad for what? 
My God, kept me
He kept me...

Written today

48hours of Quiet
However, a new bbm relationship brews about from the darn of yesterday
Silence being golden on the weirdest of days
Inhaling me @ the highest dose
Only to detox after 3 fights and 3 flights back to our Old York
My imagination running wild from the blissful-ness of a Him and I
The Salty Air of Paradise was suppose to staple us 2gether
Unaware of me just being present @ a pretend Alter @ a chapel in Saint Barthelemy
My eyes not allowing me to see a end only the smiles of New Beginnings
Wishing I could turn back the pages and erase the memory of his face
Everyone telling me to release myself
But love parks in my space
A full six months of my NYE resolution 
And rooting for MMP for prez was still my campaign
He won the election of my ♥ one warm Friday
So what now, since I've been deemed a clown
The word boyfriend bouncing on my tongue as I recite his name
But in a relationship with self is all I have to show
Why was I playing a role that wasn't actually given to me?
Person after person voting for this to prosper
Not knowing I was just another "GIRL"
Never the "Girl-Friend"
Love making, QTing, Appearances, Vaca's, Comps, Flicks, Chats, Connects, from or with lil ME 
Was this all fun for He?
Mis-used and Abused (by self) taken for the longest walk in the Park ever
No other man having a chance @ my broken ♥ 
But the store has re-opened today
Girlfriend, Girlfriend nolonger who I am in my confused mind
Just Nia this day
No matter how hard and long I cry only time and patience will take this feeling away
And yes, this was written today



Sweet, fruitful wishes
Enormous hopes and dreams
Simple prayers topped with 
BIG request
God has heard my cries
So who do I turn to next?
The news of every one's problems is so minuscule to what's really going on
Have you tuned into the constant unfolding of this economy and the recent natural disasters of our earth?
There is soooo... much more, BIGGER than you/me
My Mom contemplating moving back home to assist in problem-solving
For already qualified problem-solvers
Yes having her umbilical cord connection, having the same blood running thru your/my veins
Would solve my/ur right now struggles
Yes the thought happies me
But We/I can stand-a-lone
There are only two feet to shoe
Yes I'm suffering from this and I wish I had someone right here
But damned if I will allow myself to melt away yet another day
I've turned to:SELF...God is inside of me swimming thru my soul
So what more help do I need!
I only want to speak the positive
Speak life
Speak sweet
Speak right
Negative energy forms a blockage for your blessings
Clear the devil out of your house
No need to hide under the sofa of no answers, no possibilities, no opportunities
In the words of Alicia: "remove that word "CAN'T" from your vocabulary"
Sore back, I can still withstand this right now pain
I was told today, no one has every heard me speak so positively
Well here it is
I open my mouth to you
Receive my words
None of us are still little girls

A little personal but apply where needed...L♥ve you guys... There are stars in the sky for a reason...  
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The chronicles of iron horse back riding

Iron horse back riding back into my East-Side-Harlem pad
Nail biting my thoughts of what awaits me yet another un-productive day
Night life being the only thing making me move my feet swiftly thru the city streets
Monkey bars of a everyday with no expectations of what I would do that day
As I swing away, knowing how I've fallen into such a deep lazy state
Just wanting to hate self
But the make up, amazing dresses, timeless style, Marilyn Mon-rolled hair and the 45 glances of my newly tanned body in the mirror makes my night self come alive
How can I be so into getting dressed up for this guy?
Me not even knowing if the like is a idea of his mind or a idea of his ♥ 
A little angel resting on my shoulder blades whispering in my ear
Disability is about to come to a sudden crash and you will have to get up off your lazy daytime ass
I know, I know as I always repeat
Praying spinal surgery isn't an option but wishing for a solution to my consistent drughead pain
Thumb typing being my form of retreat
How can social-lighting the city become the bill payer
The vacation sponsor
The way to prettify self on a nighty as well as a daily basis?
Hannah's email of knowing someone that knows someone that knows someone
To get me to my true Carrie Bradshaw state is present in my mind @ this time
But who am I to self? 
What am I doing for self?
As sociable as I am
I become mute when the word career or work is even whispered
It scares me
Frightens the shit out of me even
Well wake up self
The 1st form of help, is the help of self
Really I don't know, maybe a kick in the ass by the boy that makes craziness seep into my soul when the 1st thought of his freckled nose comes to mind
Well this is my stop
Time to escape into the cold city streets of El Barrio 
Self, I need help

Quick Snap

I want to only think positive
About the term us or we
But the questions seem to ☁ my brain with thoughts of is he still checking for me?
Because you ignore others when with me
Now I'm staring @ my phone with no replies or answers from he
The emptiness grows in my chest as the waters flow from my eyes
Praying I did not lose another chance @ winning over my guy
Pillow talk with God as I drift off into the dream space
Just know in my ♥ you will always have 1st place

I crave...

I crave ur sensual lips against the tip of my nipples while ur tongue does circle laps around my aureoles
I crave the warmth of ur body against the cold of my skin to melt away my goose bumps like a lemon icey in a lil tikes hand on a A•t•lalien summer afternoon
I crave the soft of ur left index finger up the nape of my neck as ur right hand squeezes my shivering back like a gifted teddy bear on a Valentine morning
I crave the tug on my lace vicki's as well as the pull of my hair and the bite of my collarbone, nose and left ear
I crave the sound of ur speedy ♥ beat and the body brush of ur smooth penis and the movement of ur body against mine
I crave the thoughts brewing in ur brain while my eyes cut lustful peeks @ you and kiss u back hard with my tongue kisses of danger
I crave the u in u and I crave the u in me making new love so soft, so often and so gently


I stare @ a photo of some form of a one night stand
Didn't ever see winning this Freckle Face Guy, over as my Man
My thoughts of him weren't deep @ all
My focus was always the dude with the ball
And no matter how broken I've been in my past
My loyalty will always last
I lay on my lemon colored sheets with a empty feeling in my chest
Wondering who will hold my ♥ upright next
As scared as I am of losing any parts of the you that I have
Winning you doesn't define the safety
I need to make it all last
I guess the love making is suppose to heal the ♥
So why does it seem like everything is falling apart
All I ask for is the respect I deserve
Wondering why the deeper we get you still have the nerve
When you press play my movie becomes alive
Because the love I have for you can never be disguised
Friend or Fam
I should be seen in the glare of your eyes
Because I don't even have thoughts of any other guys
Your speech to me has taking a sudden toll upon my soul
I'm praying for the day I have total ♥ control
I don't know what awaits me in the days to follow
But I know I don't want to relive this another day, another tomorrow
I give my all because my all is what I give
If I were a boy - maybe then in your eyes I would know how to just live
The moments that joy shines upon both our faces
The lovely days we have together in regular or strange places
Keeps me ringing your phone
As well as the fear of being alone
I don't know if I've ever been this deep with a male
Where I get queezy from a wift of your smell
I love you now and I pray I'll love you again and again
But the unconscious disrespect is not worth the re-commiting of sin

Can we just make this work???
Respect each other's wishes???
If you won't change for me can we change for us???

I'm willing to meet you half way...


She's faded because her now and then thoughts of him have been jaded
Questioned and shaded
Made into a form of she can't believe she has not yet made it
To his ♥ or close to it @ best
She begs to know what test will come next
Wonders, hopes, wishes all slated
No candles on the cake no wine in the glass
Just a situation tainted
Not knowing when she's actually going to be dated or dating or relationship related 
Held in a bubble of love and gated
Protected loved as in her mind should now be stated


I lay as I type
Trying to see what I'm typing as the words come out on the berry
Foggy rainy eyes from a sudden breakaway mistake
My mind making the decisions for my ♥ 
I can't get enough of you
I try my hardest to escape
Seeing your face made all my deep love go into replay
I don't want to be w/out you
I don't care what my mouth may often say
Words being the constant re break
I give up on words I just want to touch my loves face
And he has placed me back in yet another punishment state
Childhood stories of no teary face
18 when Dad left his parental phase
My love doesn't cry he just harbors all his pain and stores it away
Breaking him to the point where I can core love him, make him feel his happiest and safe
Never ever feeling anything of this caliber
Just want to continue my chase
Friends telling me we both need some healing space
I flip thru pics just to stare @ his innocent looking face
He's the love of my life even though a nightmare is in our present state
Wake us both and let the building replace
He wants to fall hard for me b4 he begins our longevity phase
But I keep assuring him I would never walk out of anything that's our place
Me being worth fighting for frightens me each day
How bad do you want me state and prove your own case
Praying this time he doesn't really disappear into space
He's my rock and I want to be the one draped in white lace
Our bond should never be broken or ever replaced
This is it for me I pray he reads and understands my case
But if a breather is what it takes to get us to the correct state
Let us both breathe and clear our heads for a few days
Then when we meet again let the role playing, just play
Majestic I want to be with you until your dying day


Never started my day until I felt we would start my day
Why does this feeling seem all so familiar?
Laying in a hot pink Marilyn Monroe lingerie set, hair as curly as ever awaiting an allegedly early arrival
Day 14 since we had an actually encounter of some sort
Or shall I say it was the last of our Mohican's
I did receive a viewing of his face two Friday's ago, but it wasn't and us encounter
My memory can't help but jog back to and 08' work take off to spend a day like today with him
Stood up then and stood up now
I don't even plan these things, these are the cards he placed on the table
So if he did it then, what makes me think anything will ever change
Drug seller of a man, and your phone is off?
Nothing seems to make sense, hardly ever
You went from getting high off my scent to detoxing with some other lady friend, I guess
So why are you keeping me around?
I made it clear your networking game has been shut down
That lease was way up
And I can't keep allowing you to connect yourself month to month with my people
I lay here green duvet covered with 3 tears in my eye
One for self, one for him and one to keep the other two busy
I shake my headed repeatedly @ the continuous ?'S of why
Pick another Cabbage Patch Kid out the patch and eat her
Stop toying with my ♥
2hour convo of growth only to keep the dirty diaper on
Potty train yourself with another broad
Nia doesn't need this abundance of boy pain
Wanting to write something delightful today to keep my flow of greatness going
But these mistakes keep darting @ me as I spin the wheel of my sore ♥
I wholehearted love this man for clearly all the wrong reasons
What was ever right?
Swollen red eyes on the second day of some form of a Fall like Summer 
Pictures of prior amazing us days keep popping up in bubbles b4 my eyes
I'm sure he wouldn't even be affected by my absence 
It would be like losing a pen
Just find or buy another one because no matter what pen it is, as long as it has ink it'll still write 


OneOaken (written on Thursday April, 8th)

Full week's past of my detoxification state. I don't ever remember feeling this good, in this life. The hydrating waters that flow thru good scented Lil' Ol' me, as I devour water bottle after water bottle or clear water glass after clear water glass have me feeling as clean a gym teacher's whistle. 
I didn't know 3lbs could shed just by giving up some of my favorite things - 
Drugs............................... Don't frown your face, I'm not a fiend or anything. A actual Twelve step program isn't needed. However, the mascato wine, the Valium pills, the vicodine, the patron margaritas, the patron coffee shots, the drinks, the pills, the drinks, the pills. Shit...... maybe I am an addict (puts me in a happy as shit(in Katt's voice) state @ times).
Even with the numbness of my right side vanishing from my right now cleanse existence. I don't crave the pain killers, I now crave the pain. I feel like I've come this far, mine as well endure the pain for the full 40days. Miss MedHead has checked into self rehab. What I do miss though, is my every 8sec dip while on the boogie floor of 1Oak. It was all booze just a week ago. Lol
The writers block ☁ hovered over me for these past few days, until my fellow OneOaken sent me a delightful message. He enjoys the stories of my 2days. I desire feedback and this new gift that God has laid b4 me makes me smile. As I maneuver around Chambers Street Gloomy station halls, following the arrows towards the 4 or the 5, I brain smile. The thoughts in my head are happy.
I'm headed back to the Island after leaving the Windy Chicago weather like Crooklyn streets. I want him to know if he was in hindsight right now, I'd forehead kiss him. Nothing like a smile upon a drug free bodied face on a 64 degree day. Someone hand me a tissue I need to clean these Marc Jacob shades. The perspiration of love circulating train car 7094 has fogged them up. Well I hope the Sun of 2day brightens your life a little more. The words of my OneOaken just sang a good song upon mine.
Deep breath...
My mind just took a jog backwards to the last calender Friday. Where I might have experienced one of the best halfway blind dates ever. I giggled more with him than people I wholeheartedly know and if you know me, I'm a silly willy. The unexpected is sometimes the best expected, so accept it and respect it. It can fatherly baby tickle your soul. 
As we chatted and Ocean grilled dined, I drank water, he drank fancy wine. We explored each other's worlds thru a series of questionnaires. He's a quiet storm. I've been a socialite for years. Dang I just rhymed - well this is my stop, that's my time. (*_*)

I was born to SWIM

Two weeks and a day and I lay in my smokey hot tub waters of nothing but brain filled possibilities
What does living in forgiveness look like?
I smile as my eyes gaze back and forth over that question
A bitter bite nibbles @ the tips of my clear polished toenails 
But I won't let it seep thru my feet
I've just swallowed the Art of letting go and I released it in my daily bowel movement of 2day(sorry for the gross part)
I feel Anew...
I couldn't keep trying shit and trying shit 
Won't work
Trying shit and trying shit
Won't work
I'm done with the what had happen was'
This brain of mine refuses to focus on what's behind 
I'm discovering what's ahead
I'm building my future... 
Not allowing you to continue to steal bricks and rebuild my past
The love of my bodily temple has been moved to the forefront of this beautiful life
Ready for the 'N. Storm" of 2night with a water shot in hand
I've gotten use to grooving to the music with no "Help Me Howard Drugs" in the system
The release and relief of that dude that once sparkled then burned down the drunken me is gone for plenty of my days
Now guilt of sitting across from a pure soul won't haunt me while I date, dine and dance
I'm really single... mind, body and soul
Even though, my God and I tango ever so often
The human evil soul can't take bites @ me anymore
I had my physician remove his scorpion sting
Have you ever had the feeling of drowning in your yesterday and coming back to life to live for the present day?
Well I have 
I'm a Pisces @ ♥ 
I was born to SWIM

~Hatie Mae Jenkins~

Happy Birthday Nick Storm you inspire me to write. Love YOU...

God's Heaven Team

The Angel white-coloring of his Saturday outfit and the caramel coloring of his pure skin
The manners of a British-like born soul
The height and voice of a man, but still the age of a young boy
Eventhough, the visualizations of his "Coming of Age" were presently "LIL BROTHER" I still screamed out
A high school grad, but I begged him for more
I wanted him to crave more
Life breathes in our needs, but its our ambition that gets us to our contentment peak
Neighborhood kid, but not the neighborhood kid
His working days putting a smile on every customers face
Our very own Darian
The son of me, but brotherly born
I looked into those eyes on a daily, seeing change jumping through
As his voice deepened I knew he was really getting a life clue
The last night of room-mating 
His white clothing is all I can remember
He left to do his duty for his new journey to come
In a different zip code
Away from my everyday eyes
And then for some reason God and him had a chat
God told him, "when you left that day you didn't tell them you weren't coming back? The 19 years I gave you son were years well lived. I didn't shorten your life that's all I had to give."
Is being missed in abundance what this is suppose to be?
God I scream out, this wasn't suppose to be
He was a great boy, my boy, my baby brother
We share the same mother, father sisters and brother
His spirit moving through my apt like a heavy wind across a village
Not knowing whether to let the tears flow, be the strong-arm of the fam or just stop living
When a piece of you is removed
The knowing of self is tainted
My everyday now is full of numbness and blankness
You never know the true feeling of pain until a part of you dies
The ♥ is pierced and you feel hole after hole 
There's no bringing him back, but there's also no letting him go
God asked him, "son who else would you like to bring?"
He said, "Vance and we can add British Fur to our team"
Darian felt his duty of walking, feeding and playing with the fuzz ball wasn't fulfilled
So into the gates of heaven they all entered together to chill
I don't know how to look @ this day
Whether we cry forever or just celebrate
Darian wasn't an energy that made you feel sad
Or he didn't piss you off enough to make you stay mad
He was a happy boy, a joyful soul
And even though we feel he was taken from us way too soon
We must remember God is always in control
No matter how tragic this all may seem
Darian, Vance and British are all now on God's heaven team

(Vicariously for Tyeisha Delk)

R.I.P. (Darian Delk & British Fur)

My poetic tribute to Michael Jackson "Smile"

Somber mood or shall I say singer mood
Grab a nearby neighbor and lay your head on their shoulder
The heavenly rains shook our Earth
Feeling like I was present in front row @ the Staple Center holding MJ's (Mary) hand viewing the most memorable memorial I can remember (@ this given point in my life)
I prayed on drawing blanks of anything negative today because we have laid 1 of the greatest to rest
I fell upon a ill feeling from a Humanitarian fever handed over to me by the spirit of Michael Jackson
I made a promise to my Love (recently) to try harder
Now I've pledged to myself to try harder
Distractions are attractions to an unfocused eye
And MJ's focus was of pure perfection
My right hand held high against my forehead as I send a salute to all the speakers, attendees, family members, friends and die hard fans that were able to get a wift of his scent during a moment in his presence
He was the only person on this planet that I would have been groupie-fied to meet
As wacky as most may say he looked I was captured by his God given talent
I couldn't see the weird... 
I could only feel it thru his music
And from what I know, talented folks are crazees
I've been deemed nuts myself
And I honor him for his Wacko Jacko gift giving abilites
My 5 year old niece danced and sang in her shower of today reciting over and over, "I'm Bad"
A tear dropped while I looked @ the girl in the mirror because he's touching a life that was a little after his time
But I guess that's the Webster Dictionary meaning of "TIMELESS"
My ♥ feels heavy as I train ride to meet friends for food 
In a lovely web of what next
I give forth my gift of writing
A penny or a million this is what is in the driver seat of my everyday
As I allow my passion to ride me around, I scream thank you Jesus for life
Jogging brain of the words dropping from the mouth of Al sharpton, brother Marlon and daughter Paris piercing my soul
Usher singing "Gone too Soon"
With a touch of the golden casket is the reason behind my swollen eyes
My favorite Queen reading the words of Maya A. sent shocks thru my veins
We being the world and we being the children is a message from God sent into and delivered thru the ♥ of our MJ
I don't know what spirit is in me this day but it feels tingly all over
Admiring the butterfly wings on my purse knowing Michael just signed for his in Heaven
When someone this great exits our world, we can only pray for nothing but greatness to come
I feel our best life is ahead of us
And as I Step into store after store, riding in cab after cab
I know his music will continue to haunt us as we celebrate his life
Pain and sorrow we all feed off now 
But thru the knowing that this was God's decision to take him home to where he belonged, will eventually soothe our ♥'s
God allowed us to borrow him for a full half 
50 years was more than enough to touch prolly every soul all over Mother Earth
Well MJ, I want you to know as I close my eyes and speak to you directly
You made God proud 
Your favorite song, "Smile"
Will turn all frowns around
We as a nation, love you


6/23 thoughts

In the mist of my seemingly always pain-filled writings
I'm unaware if my readers know how much of a Happy Camper I usually am
I'm reading The Secret To Letting Go
And I've discovered my words are my therapy for releasing momentary thoughts
Our brains are made up of so many thoughts
I've trained myself to live in pain
We never actually intentionally hurt ourselves
But in a reality state, we do
Under the covers with the genius of a man lastnite (the human I allow to insist me in these moments of pain that deliver such moving poetry @ times)
He gave me the opportunity to learn how he sees the world
Thru his one contact set of eyes, all he see's is everything being black and white
A flower is a flower
A chair is a chair
A glass is a glass
A straight line in his eyes, is just that
My visualizations allow me to travel so deep, I sometimes can not ponder the picture for self
Which in return frustrates the hell out of me
When I see something, a world, a story, a journey comes alive
Now I'm not saying my viewing of the(my) world or his(the) is off but we just don't see the same
He's so in touch with his thoughts because his thoughts are just that
My thoughts transform into actions, behaviors, feelings, emotions or what have you
I'm teaching self to receive a thought and release it
The book states, there should never be a time for anger
Anger builds from the unexpected
So if you just accept everything that flows your way as a passing feeling, they will be put to rest as just that
Everything needs to reside in its current phase
When something bothers me, I should just be ready to receive what will bless me
Dwelling only trains the brain to recycle past emotions or feelings
And if the present is a gift, why not continuously unwrap it?
I like to peek into my future, but in all actually you can not
I do possess some sort of psychic abilities
But their just abilites
I foresee some but the unexpected smacks me hard everytime
So from this point forward, I will stop focusing on the thoughts in my head, other's heads or attach myself to feelings because its better to await new feelings
Noone craves the same
We crave Anew
So the doors of my soul are open to receive whatever comes my way
God will not allow me to go to, if he couldn't bring me thru it
So to all my faithful readers
I'm happy this day
Here comes another thought of happiness
Wow try it, this is magnificent