THE GIRL YOU MAY SEE, MAY NOT BE THE GIRL THAT'S ACTUALLY THERE...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Emotional

I love you...
I know you're surprised
But the words were stuck in my heart
They ran through my veins, entered my head, shot out my skin and landed on my thumbs as I typed away on my crackberry
I just want you to know there's so much truth to them
Maybe not the psycho truth you may think
But some real hard-core hard-loving truth
You were a story of mine
So of course you're still in my mind
Well enjoy your night
I'm emotional, right???

I miss you much

A teacher; A leader; A mentor; A friend; A Mom for sure
My Mom
Mom you remind me of sweet-smelling summer blossoming tulips
As I cruise down Park Avenue
The array of flowers speak to me
They scream out your name
I get vibes of your spirit
Almost like getting a chill on a 90 degree day
I sense you...
I feel your presence
I miss you
I miss you much
In the words of Janet Jackson
Our distance withholds a connection
However, it often rains pain
I need you here sometimes
I need you here often
I want to tear up on your shoulder tops
And let it all out
What would I do without you has suddenly began to flash before my eyes
Of late
Why...
Is it that I miss you so much
It hurts @ times when we chat
I require your face
I need to feel your warmth, wholehearted, obsessed with your own, feel...
Your motherly energy
If you will
I speak from the hearts of your 3 born
I apologize for the sisterhood that pierce your heart and soul
I'm trying to work on that
Our blood connection should never be hindered by anything
We are apart of one another
As we are the heart of you
My solution was to take a step back and allow My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to do his work
The day will come
When you can smile again despite all the hurt we have put you through
I love you Mom
I love you
I miss you
I miss you much
In the words of Janet Jackson

Birthday Girl

I smell your tears
I hear your cries
Even though I'm days away
People still join our lives
Some touch gently
Some hurt hard
No matter the feeling
To feel is all that plays the part
I want you to cheer
I want you to smile
Even it takes sending a child like circus clown
Better days crowd into 1 big wish
And we all know how much you yearn for that so... needed birthday kiss
But the man upstairs screams out loud
He's the one we all need around
Even though sand didn't decorate our toes
Or dancing on the bar spilling drinks on our clothes
Hasn't occured this time
And it feels like your heart continues to commit the same ol' crime
Love is still around
and glitz is not always needed
Friendship can be the word repeated
As long as I got my sainty
We're good to go
Because better days will come
And believe me Babe I'm the one to know
Love you girl
Let me toast for you
Since down is your mood
Believe me birthday girl you're well understood
Take your time
You're get right back
I was always told women of color don't crack
We're here for you
Whether military time is your clock
Or whether the bed right now is your spot
But smile anyway
You made it another year
And there's reasoning behind
Even if right now is hard to bare
I'm reciting these words because my Lord asked me to give
And to explain how one of the purposes of our lives
Is just to live

Monday, January 28, 2008

I'm so pretty

Save the sun for the shades
Grab the specs in the rain
A girlie's lay for every occasion
I scream out
I'm so... Pretty
As I strut through the big world
With a vintage fendi baguette in hand
Pretty Pretty me
Diane Von muti- colored butterfly Yellow sparkling on my butter soft, perscriptive colored, antelope skin
I swirl as I cross the congested traffic walk
I hear the Boi's whispering Gorgeous; Beauty; Sexy;(just to name a few) B*R*I*X*S Babe get over here
Questions bouncing threw crowds
Isn't that one of those Power Rangette's???
Damn...
Damn...
She's hot
Shit, shortie is bad...
Bad is right!
But shit I'm taken
By me, that is
I'm so... all over self
Boo Boo get off me
Do you see the heels on these sick ass Christian Louboutin bust a cherry red pumps
Can you handle a every 10 second dip
When the old classic Bel Biv Devoe hit Posion is ringing through those Wednesday Night Lotus speakers
I'm so... Pretty
I rolled my hair a 2nd time just to get this perfect curl
Dude you see me
Shit I see me
I'm so... Pretty
Geez...
Giggles as I catch a gaze @ my Mac professionally done up chinky's while reapplying my Mac Oh Baby lip gloss in my custom made saworski crystal pocket mirror
Omg you should see me
I so... shock myself sometimes
Little me
Sigh;
I blush away @ the thought of this God given beauty
I'm so....... Pretty
Yes indeed a girlie is on self
Waking up drinking a gallon of joy every morning from now on
This body will be heard
Watch me now
Low self esteem my ass
I'm so.... Pretty

Life in me

Awaiting my monthly
Feeling weird down there
Unsure of the actual evidence @ this point
My friend not arriving as yet
Contantly checking 4 the sight of red
But this would B a gift
My 6th life spurt and beginning w/ a new life could only b a blessing
However, i've said, no 2 them 2wice thus far
God again, 4 give me, 4 I have sinned...
Tyla being extremely 2 much 4 any European Nanny 2 handle
Am I ready...
I guess I will have 2 b
Since life is in me
Literally this time
Or is it my nerves playing tricks on me
Whatever it is, I still feel such a connection 2 him
Even though, I mean as much 2 him as a fun pass metrocard
It's just good 4 the day
Use it while it last
Whatever this feeling is inside
God knows... and in a few short days
He'll whisper it in my ear
Pray 4 me...

Listen...

When I arise in my joyous state
I just deliever what's swirling thru my mind
You can call me the messenger
I don't plan what my manicured thumbs will tap away @ on the Berry
The words just appear as I stare @ the screen
My talent, not to toot my own horn
Can not be measured
So I put as much weight on self as I possibly can
I would like to write more during my happiest moments
But in the hours of troubles
My words scream...........
STILL I RISE
As long as my readers hear me speak to their hearts
I'm full
No one man will ever learn fully or even understand my stories
But I give you and eye opener @ least enough to sniff thru my worlds
There are Lilly's, Sunflowers, Red Robins, White Sanded Beaches, Clear Blue Skies even Cherry Trees there
Even though you may only visualize Sour Fruits, Bad Dreams and Stormy Weathers
Bare with me
Sooner or later I'll come around

Nightmare on age street

Pineapple scented
Vanilla breeze
I close my eyes and I just dream
The weight of the titanium blk heavy in my hands as I pass it to the cashier
I reply yes that's all maam
The sprees have kept my desires full
And my wants wanting without
I'm the fanciest thing of late that you can read about
Wink*
But who knew in two thousand ten
I still would long for that
Once in a life time soul cleansin'
A finanical soul feeding per say
You prolly could get it better if I explained it that way
Green can't buy everything I was once told
Recently winning my soul back from that devil for a fake pot of gold
After I bet him I could with-stand a full year without loving hard
He called off all his bloody body guards
I've passed that dream
It died the beginning of ohhhh eight
After my tour de italy
A quick vaca I've come to still appreciate
With a man that was yet still a boy
Pardon me for being so coy
I threw the jersey's away
I burned all the bballs
And my preferences has changed
He doesn't have to be that damn tall
I like a suit and tie now
A clean look
A confident stare
A nice back still
But bald or hair I don't care
Wait
Wait
Wake me up
What's happening to the weirdo I use to be
Shit... I'm thirdeee

Hit...

Simple plans
Small wishes
Two Dreams
This is my life
Asking for much, brings about high expectations
So I'm going to lessen my call
Dummy down if you will
My high hopes have grounded me into a simplistic state
I lay in my bed of sin
Pondering what's my next move
As love blows though my cracked window
My body heat rises more and more
I can't feel the breeze
Its not tangible for a heartache'r like little ol' me
My once butterfly filled tummy
Has become and empty cocoon
So simple I propose to myself
I'm going to have the tiniest wishes imaginable
Sleepy nights having the same repetitve dreams
This is how my Wow factor will reappear
Because my God knows I'm not going to ask for much
Playmates ring 2B
Lay your finger on the bell
The noise still dancing in my ears
God when are you going to provide my true Soulmate with my address
Is he still playing his lottery of #'s
Well hit already
Hit...

Ode to yoU

Eventhough we don't speak and only faith has the answer to whether we will ever see each other again:
I invite you to meet me in my dreams... I know, you're prolly in love again and occupied with tons of new things
But my eyes miss the sight of you But my ears miss the sound of you But my lips miss the kiss of you
But my nose miss the smell of you But my body miss the snug of you
And I miss the yoU in Us
At night when my head hits my pillow and my eyes shut fast
I wait for you
I wait for you to appear
Because here, there are no strings attached
No cameras flicking
No music playing
No people watching
Just YOU and ME
Just peace and serenity
Meet me if you will...
We can thumb wrestle
Slow now is my speed
The doc gave me enough tickets
I'm done with speeding...

Oh Eight

Giving up seafood
Giving up crowded spaces
Even giving up all noisey places
Giving up negatives
Giving up hateful thoughts
Even giving up all meaningless sexual sports
Giving up frowns
Giving up sobs
Even giving up going nowhere fast jobs
Giving up nightlife
Giving up being in the zone
Even giving up my favorite clubs and all shots of patron
Giving up shopping
Giving up beautifying self for the pleasure of he
Definitely giving up all the persons that don't wholeheartedly love me
Giving up disingenuous people
Giving up rushing all the time
Even giving up all that I thought was mine
Giving up ketchup
Giving up foods that break me out
Even giving up all don't and doubts
In Oh Eight I'm focused on the rebirth of me
Nomore false hopes, false dreams, unpromising future and striving to be
Its time to let my passion truely shine
I'm accepting my role and claiming all that's mine
I'd rather travel and explore this beautiful earth
Discover new things about self and mend this heart that lives in hurt
I've danced plenty I've consumed enough alcohol for ten 300 pound men
I'm going to live like God desires me to
And quit all unjustified sinning

Oh Eight is the celebration of self
Great love
Great skin
Great thoughts
Great health

Sigh;

Half smiled face
Upside downed cake
I see the blue line
Its positive
I'm positive
Belly button watch
I want to record the exact time it pops out
False alarm really
But what if
And a call came thru my dial
A lady with women's fingernails
What would I say
My age ringing in my ears
Who does this still
Tell me their race
Connect the dots on your innocent looking face
Raw deal, clearly
Danger sleeping in my bed
Fuck the amazing sexual feeling
Nigga did you remember what you said
SINGLE...
UNATTACHED...
Then I don't hear from you
She calls me back
Never again
Die while you're alive
Fool defines me
I'm speechless
Sigh;

Shit

As sharp as I seem
When did my blade-like abilites become so... dull
I'm weak for dude
And no not my dude either
Shit...
Our outside situations still bounce around conversation
Although, the realness to his just won't register
Damn the attentiveness and adornment I receive in his arms is unexplainable
Shit...
The works...
He completes me
I must say
Even if its a right now emotion or feeling
I'ma let it "ride to the wheels fall off"
I ponder the thought
Is this what she feels
Because just from our enegry
We go 2gether like popcorn and a movie
Our worlds being somewhat so different
Yet still somehow apart
My situation stands the same
But can fall so easily
Be replaced, crumble if you will
My dude still hasn't rolled up the red carpet after the premiere
Now the normal society of lies stroll down
How can I fall so hard for someone that's not available to the public
I mean a silver, gold, or platinum, miniture-sized hula-hoop doesn't decorate his left hand
But the word my girl has come about
Shit...
That "TITLE" even bounces around the brain
Why must complications present themselves with me, so often
Why can't shit just flow
Difficult yes I maybe
But shit, this is even too difficult for me
Shit...

Sick

Still coughing up Oh Seven sins
Blowing my nose of those last minute regrets
Hoarse voiced from screaming
WHERE IS HE????????????????
I'm sick... :-(
Flu symptoms people
Although, on my new travel I've packed light
So light, that all 3 bags are considered carry-on's
Reading over how these mens have had me bent over raining tears of pain
Tears of heartbroken, sobbing, sadness
Honey Child I won't miss those previous moons
Hello... She must be nuts
But again I repeat, I'm sick... :-(
Noone deserves a talent like She
Who wants to arise with such a sun-shined, pure-hearted, hard-loving beauty next to them every morning
Scares many; Shit, Scared plenty;
The haircut, still taking getting use too
Being single running into Oh Eight, still taking getting use too
Promising self, Christmas was the last set of tears I would shed
But again they overflow my pupils
Oh my, I'm sick... :-(
God I need a Holy hug
A Holy kiss
A Holy moment to get rid of all this
The 2nd day and already mourning the life that I wasn't given
The life that She isn't living
Yup..., I'm sick... :-(
A chocolate diamond decorating my beauty-marked manicured ring finger
I'm engaged to me, I ANNOUNCE
Before Katie, I was Carrie
Nomore sex for me in this city
Send the gifts people
I'm marrying me
Yes... I agree
She's sick... :-(

Sigh;

Its been a brief
My fingers sore from work related text and email replys
I end my friday with half task complete
I wanted to see him
sigh;
I rest my body for the remainder of the night
I need to prepare myself for the family filled
Syracusian weekend
I rest my eyes
I dream big
Dreams of relaxing, joyous, smilieful days to come
Knowing my 3 time Princess awaits my arrival @ my Mom's door step
Sigh;
Sigh;
Saturday's 4 hour path went by in a flash as My eagerness grew near
Happiness haunts as I ring the bell
Last visit was summer bound
The scent of weekly mowed lawns and pine trees filled the airs
As the Shot Gun door flys open I get my 1st wift of the real winter cold
Mysterious really
Yet warming
I run up the short flight
There she is... Alerted by her Mother's door lock
A kiss to the forehead as she screams
Auntie Nia you're here
I smile with my eyes
As happiness pinches @ my cheeks
The pace has slowed the 1st day has passed
I lay in the tub of ahava beaded filled waters
Masked face with berry in hand
Soaking in joy
Pure family filled joy
Christmas they call it
Jesus this is the best birthday
Thank you for allowing me to be apart
Sigh;

Something

Haunting whispers heard from a far
They grow near as I put my listening sense to the fore front of my attentiveness
Someone or Something is trying to tell me something
Something a wise woman probably already knows
I close my eyes and try to make out the words
The language barrier has me beat
Since American English and I eloped about 24, 25 years ago
But the sounds tell a story
Of pain
Of hurt
Of disappointment
As my soul reads...
Funny how your can sense a feeling
Even if your mind can't make out the words
I'm humble now
My understanding never seems to be 100% in most cases
However, I do comprehend
My heart if full...
My soul has received something
So my inquisitive state can disappear...

Sore Story

God I scream out to you
Why can't I just escape
I know its all me
But why the long chat
Why the abundance of reasons
Excuses if you will
I want him
I love him
I desire him
He's me...
But what's the guard
Is it that hard to even commit to me @ least 10% of your time
Does my purpose consist of trails of heartache
Why must I hurt
Always
Selfishness haloing over the head of he
What can you want with little me
3years ringing in soon another season/season gone by
Still the same state
Just standing by
Gazing @ the days
5year plan
My name not on the top list of To Do's
Alcohol filled body
Mouth with constant chatter of a million why's
Tell the stories of why not's
Not even a single paragraph of why so's
What motivates most lately whispering in my tiny child sized ears
Baby talk
Laughter appears in mind
My glassy eyes trying their hardest to stay alive
Clarity ripping through my skin for the thousandth time
Armpits filled of sadness
I raise my arms to release
The smell of stress reaking from my slender frame
Boi just bruise me more
I think I dig the fact that the heart I harbour lives a life as being sore

Something on my medulla oblongata

Have you ever had a dream with in a dream
One reality feels like another when none are actually reality
You wake up out of one trying to fulfill the other
Its cool to know how deep the mind can travel
Just something on my medulla oblongata

Speechless...

Speechless...

I took a skinny dip in the pool of attentiveness, affection, shit the pool of Damn...
Dude wowed the shit out of me
Very unexpected
But when you allow God to do his work things just fall into place
My swim was refreshing until the Jaws of honesty took a bite
Shit...
Girlie is speechless
Dude wanted to be 100 with me as he submitted
He's in a situation
He has a situation
In my medulla oblongata
I have a situation with just about everyone
My friends
My family
Shit even strangers
I was once told Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus
So situation means the top of the food chain for him
She's the one
Wow...
Speechless...
He still wants a situation with me, in my opinion
But shit is it even considered a situation
I mean our energy is unprecedented (his words)
It's undeniable (his words)
However, Karma and I just deaded our beef
She kicked a Girlie's ass once upon a time
Don't want to get back into it with her
So speechless I tell you
I have to sit on this one
Having him grab me up and just passionately kiss me making my heart stop and wanting him more and more is just unexplainable
Shit I see dude as my textmate
You can't beat that since he's apart of the berry world
Speechless I tell you
Speechless...
I'm going to have 2 talk this over with my God
Everyone enters your life for a reason
For a season
But I've learned once before if somethings too good to be true its not good for you
I feel the illness coming on
No cure for this one
Speechless...
Yo...
A girlie is speechless...

Speeding

Swollen tongue sleep in my closed mouth
I let him play with it for a brief portion of the night
Wanting more of him
Wanting to arise with him
Smitten since our 1st eye match
Missing his touch immensely
Angry with the confusion of aggression
Jokes being jokes sometimes
No consistency of mine
Ending the call of ?'S
Feeling obligations @ such a fast pace
I want him nude
But nude only
Arm and arm not my goal
Away is where the head rest primarily during the year
A 5 hour can get me there
But will it occur???
Newbie killing my person already
I want the before back
The surprise in the crackerjack box
Too late
I ran the red light
Another pricey ticket to pay
Clearly I have a problem with speeding

Stand in love

Is there a such thing as standing in love
If so, can I have that love, please...
Because falling in loving is just 2 damn hard
I want 2 stand when I love
Fuck the falling
I haven't gotten up yet
It feels as if my body has been bolted 2 the ground and my heart has been removed and placed in a jar 4 the human(male) that I thought I fell in love w/ 2 view and make a mockery of
How R these love tactics even possible
There has 2 B some unwritten laws about this somewhere
If we're chemically connected what breaks us apart?
When I fell, I thought I was holding his hand
He truly must of let go and I was oblivious 2 his absense
Did I need my glasses 2 really see his love or maybe a hearing aid 2 hear his love
I like that my vision isn't 20/20 and I can't hear 100% of the time
God wants me 2 see U as I see U and hear U as I hear U
I shouldn't need help
The prueness of my heart should guide me
But I gotta move out of Oblivion because i'm sick of being bitten by the serpent
So next time it's stand in love 4 me
I'm feed up w/ lovers flying over me basking in they're joy and happiness
I envy thee who has fallen in love in Unison
I pray 1 day after i've mastered my Stand in love bit
I can 2 fall back in love